TALE OF THE TAPE

Tale Of The Tape: Colin Kaepernick Vs. Overpowered Video Game QB

We’ve all done it before. Popped in our copy of Madden and played God by designing our own all-99 player. He runs a 4.1 40-yard dash, has the accuracy of Peyton Manning, the leadership of Tom Brady, and arm of Jay Cutler, and – just for kicks – the tackling power of 2001-era Ray Lewis. So who stacks up better – a figment of your video game imagination? Or real flesh and blood video game athlete Colin Kaepernick?

Colin Kaepernick
Video Game QB
Divisional Playoffs - Green Bay Packers v San Franciso 49ers
NFL Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Montana
Rating in Madden ‘13?
80. Wait, what? 80? Come on, EA Sports. You gotta get with the program.
Winner 99, because you’re a cheater! YOU’RE A DAMN, DIRTY CHEATER!
Better Name?
While he doesn’t have an All-American superhero name like Joe Montana or Johnny Unitas, he does has a diphthong in his name, and that’s worth a few points.
Winner Well, you get to name him, so he’s probably “Flex Strongarm” or “Jack-Rage Laserpunch.” And unrealistic as those are...there’s no arguing with them.
College?
Winner While he doesn’t have an All-American superhero name like Joe Montana or Johnny Unitas, he does has a diphthong in his name, and that’s worth a few points.
Well, you get to name him, so he’s probably “Flex Strongarm” or “Jack-Rage Laserpunch.” And unrealistic as those are...there’s no arguing with them.
Most Impressive Performance?
Winner In his first playoff game Kaepernick put up 263 and 181 rushing yards, which was not only the most rushing yards a quarterback has ever gotten in a game (playoff or otherwise), but he also set a postseason rushing record for the 49ers regardless of position.
It doesn’t matter what you did in your video game. It’s not as impressive.
Upside?
Winner All indications suggest that Kaepernick should be a reliable and entertaining quarterback for a number of years, pending any unforeseen circumstances.
While your video game quarterback will provide hours of entertainment in the next calendar year, he will be a fossil by the time Madden ‘14 comes out.
Has an Awesome Pet?
Winner When Kaepernick was 10, he got a tortoise named Sammy. That tortoise is now 115 POUNDS! AWWW HOW COOL IS THAT!?
No.

The Winner Is

Divisional Playoffs - Green Bay Packers v San Franciso 49ers
Winner Colin Kaepernick
4 out of 6

The Verdict? Colin Kaepernick, 4-2! Let’s see if he can keep this mojo going in the playoffs!

MORE TALES OF THE TAPE

  1. (Photo by Larry French/Getty Images) (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)
    Tale Of The Tape: Washington Redskins At Dallas Cowboys

    This is a huge game on the Monday night stage, and head coach Jay Gruden would like to make a bold statement.

  2. (Photo by Mike McGinnis/Getty Images) (Photo by Leon Halip/Getty Images)
    Tale Of The Tape: Green Bay Packers At New Orleans Saints

    The Packers may have struggled in the first three games of the season, but they have been rolling since then, and the main reason for that is the spectacular roll that Aaron Rodgers is on.

  3. (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images) (Photo by Sam Greenwood/Getty Images)
    Tale Of The Tape: Oakland Raiders At Cleveland Browns

    The Raiders probably would have wanted the Browns to win in Week Seven at Jacksonville so they could have caught them playing with less than full intensity.

See All Tales of the Tape
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,132 other followers